Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Overshare and other stuff

Forgot the camera again. Pics of hail tomorrow, k? Have set a reminder on my phone. Also, am guest posting over at Damaria's blog, STORYPOT, today. My topic is how to stay professional while working from home. So feel free to have a read.

Feeling slightly green around the gills this morning. We went to our favourite sushi joint last night for their Tuesday night special. The sushi was fab, as usual. Except for this one piece of nigiri. I don't even know what kind of fish it was. It looked kind of like tuna, but it was not. It tasted really fishy and had a revolting aftertaste. TSC and I both had a piece and nearly hurled. We quickly washed it down with our drinks and one of the yummier pieces of sushi. But you know when you've eaten something that makes you feel sick to your stomach and there's just no feeling better until it's out of there?

I felt so nauseous, even long after we arrived home. Eventually I decided better out than in and up it came. The thing is, I didn't even have to stick my finger down my throat or anything. I had a lot of practise throwing up during my eating disorder days and this seems to be a skill I have retained. Charming, hey?

My stomach felt instantly better, but my mind was turning. I instantly began lecturing myself in my head, telling myself that just because it's so easy doesn't mean that it's a good idea and that those were awful years that I don't want to revisit.

And it's true. Those destructive habits were hellishly hard to break and took years of therapy, prayer (thanks, Mom) and all sorts of treatment, but they're gone now and I don't miss them.

I think though that there will always be a part of me that looks for the easy way to look how I'd like to. Jenty recently wrote a post about a new slimming drug on the market and it made me realise that this problem affects so many women.

There's such a drive to be thinner, have no cellulite and to never look old that women will try almost anything to get there - no matter the consequences. It's tragic.

Yes, it's great to try to be healthy. If that means losing weight through healthy eating and targeted exercise, awesome. But trust me - it's not worth compromising your health to be slimmer. Bulimia left me some scars, and I got off lucky. It could have been far worse. Anorexia with purging got me to my goal weight. But guess what? It didn't make me feel any better. And it still wasn't enough. Do you know that I was proud when someone pointed out to me that my spine was starting to stick out like a skeleton? That is not healthy. In any way.

Wow... this post got way more deep and ouchy than I was expecting it too. Sorry about that.

What I'm really trying to say is that we have to fight for balance. I don't know if we'll ever get there. I know despite my recovery, there are still days when I struggle. And I'm still not 100% happy with my body. But then, I don't know many people who are in that lucky place. I can say that it's a helluva lot better in this middleground than out there on the edge. So I plan to stay here.

Anyone going to come and camp with me?


Goblin said...

Stay pro while working at home? So going to read that now.

I'll join you in the camp soon hopefully. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other side and the other side is a lot harder to get out of for me ;)

Don't believe a word I write said...

Thanks for sharing that Tamara, I appreciate your being able to write this post for us.

sarah said...

its all about balance. sigh. but getting there aint easy... uphill battle

at least you know where you are in life. been through some severe ups and downs, but you know where you are now. that counts for something


Damaria Senne said...

Thanks for guest-writing for me, Tamara. Much appreciated.

On the issue of weight and balance - I'm still struggling with that. I stopped going on diets more than 10 years ago when I realised diets don't work for me. Somehow, every time I declared I was on a diet, I started craving every type of "forbidden " food I could think of. And i'd also want more food in general. So all that desprivation left me stressed.
Now I try to eat healthily, use common sense etc. As a result I'm not exactly slim, as sizes 14-16. But I don't have fluctuating weight either.

Tamara said...

Wah! Just spent ages replying to each comment and had BLogger delete it all.

Tamara said...

Trying again:

Goblin: Yup. Balance is hard. But I do think it's the best way.

DBAWIW: You're welcome. Always glad when something I've scribbled here strikes a chord.

Sarah: Very true. And I am so grateful to know where I am.

Damaria: Thanks for hosting me. I had fun!

That's my point exactly. It's not worth the stress. When I got to my goal weight, I was totally paranoid about gaining even 100 grams. That stupid number ruled my life. Now I don't own a scale, don't know my weight and am much happier for it.

A Cuban In London said...

Pro combined with working from home? Hmmm. methings I have somehting to add there. As for the sushi, hooray! Yes.

Greetings from London.

phillygirl said...

I think for me the most interesting part is reading a post like this by someone I know, someone I think shouldn't have a single body issue (since I've met you and you're tiny!). I think that's a whole other thing people struggle to get their head around. It's *everyone* dealing with body issues. Not just the fat kids, you know. The people you think are ideal and who look exactly how you think you'd love to look are looking at someone else entirely and probably thinking the exact same thing! Scary, eh? I think girls are similar about their hair ... everyone wants the hair type they don't have. Never satisfied, us :)

ps. and sorry about the sushi! If it makes you feel better I've never had a food disorder but can pretty much throw up on command too ... I also try not to use it for evil.

Helen said...

I hate that it's so hard to find someone who's ok with how they look. We have to learn to value ourselves (but not by devaluing others) and get to know who we are. I think the most attractive thing is someone who is comfortable in their own skin, they sort of radiate confidence.

Jeanette said...

I don't think that anyone is really completely happy with their body, no matter what they may say. It all depends on how you deal with it... that's my theory anyway ;)
It's very admirable the way you have recovered from the disorder.
The thing about that pill on the market that got me, is the way it's being marketed and pushed as the new wonder drug!

po said...

ME! I will camp with you in somewhat tenuous middle ground. It helps me to know that eating disorders are symptoms of something deeper, something wrong. So now when I feel the need to be thin I ask what is REALLY wrong. I think I am a pretty happy camper because I now have an innate fear of hunger combined with a deep love of food :)

I want to read your post over at storypot properly so I am going to read it tomorrow cos I got home so late tonight that I wouldn't give it justice.

Anonymous said...

Heya Tamara,

If its any comfort I liked this post. VERY along the lines of my thinking and I was thinking about posting about what I am going through right now because this guy at school is using me for a case study of his about the way I feel and interact with my body and its gotten me to look at myself and the things I never saw before more.... I don't know how to put it now, and I'm working with him on his essay so I'd rather have it behind me and then post about it. But its so interesting how we see ourselves.

I really liked the openness of your post though. I'm slowly getting into the habit of being more open about more personal things on my blog but its hard so I applaude you.

Thank you for the post.

Tamara said...

Cuban: Greetings back to you. Please do add your thoughts!

Philly: totally. I don't think I know any female over the age of 10 who doesn't have any self image issues. It's sad.
You can throw up on command too? Weird. But useful when you've had revolting sushi ;-)

Helen: True. But very rare.

Jeanette: I know! I wish I could have a few minutes with the people behind the drug to see if they honestly believe that and are just delusional, or if they are knowingly leading women down a potentially dangerous path.

Po: Yay! My camping buddy. So glad you'll stick with me in this safer space.

Paula: Thanks, lady. I hope to read about this essay and its findings soon.

Wenchy said...

I know it will just sound stupid to somebody like you who have had real pain to deal with regarding... but I've often wished I had an eating disorder that makes me look like a stick insect instead of an elephant.

angel said...

Well truly T, I think you look fantastic!