I am in slight shock this morning.
Awhile ago (in my baby rant post) I said someone I haven't spoken to in six-odd years called me out of the blue. Let's call him Lost, because he is rather.
Well, he called again yesterday morning at about 10am and said he was in Joburg. He wanted me to visit him at the airport (which is miles and miles away from where I live). I said that unfortunately I had plans (true - I have some freelance work that's on deadline that I need to finish urgently). I said maybe next time and that he should give me more notice. And off he went.
Then at about 4.45 yesterday afternoon he called and said he had flown back to Durban, but that he was flying to Joburg again (that's right - two sets of flights to the same destination in one day) and that he'd be staying to Tuesday. I said that maybe we could make a plan to see each other at some point. I explained that this is a bit of a mental week as TSC and I had plans for Wed (church small group at our house), Thurs, Fri (going away to my folks), Sat and Sun night, but that I was sure we could work something out.
I then made mistake number 1: asking where he was staying. No idea, he said. I stupidly followed this with mistake number 2: doing the socially correct thing and saying that he was welcome to "crash at our place tonight" if he needed to, although we would be busy.
"Great!" he said. "Can you pick me up from the airport tonight?" I repeated that I had church small group and explained that I couldn't pick him up. He decided to take a taxi.
He arrived during life group, while we were trying to finish up in prayer. He didn't have cash on him, so I had to pay R350 for his taxi. Thankfully I had money on me for a change - I normally don't seeing I use my debit card. He also hadn't eaten on the plane, so I fed him supper.
He keeps acting like we're still in high school (I met him when I was in grade 11, eight or nine years ago) and kicking me in the bottom or nudging me with his hip and alluding to in-jokes that I can't remember from almost a decade ago. To him, it's like nothing has changed. But it has - I've grown up, moved on and have my own life and family now.
Bear in mind that while he and I were never romantically involved (although he was interested, I wasn't), TSC has never met him, so you can imagine how upsetting it is for him to have this male stranger who used to have a crush on me turn up at his house with no notice. Especially seeing that Lost seems to have decided to stay until Tuesday.
He helped himself to breakfast this morning - TSC's lunch. He has no transport, so TSC had to drop him off at the company he's doing business with this morning. He has also invited himself along to the event we're attending with our friends this evening, despite the fact that I booked tickets ages ago and invited a select group of friends I want to spend time with. Now I'll end up babysitting him instead.
I know that I need to talk to him and get things straight. If I don't, we'll be his personal hotel and butler service every time he's in the city. But I do have a history of friendship with him and he is at heart a nice person. He just has no social skills.
I don't want to kick him out on the street, but at the same time, I shouldn't have to be responsible for him - he's an adult and as I've said, I haven't seen him in six years, so I'm feeling really used and abused and it's not fair on TSC.
Lost has no boundaries. He never has. And his lack of respect for my time was not so much a problem when we were kids. But it's not ok now.
I get the shakes when I think of the conversation I have to have with him this afternoon and I feel on the brink of tears. But it has to be done.
I called one of my best friends (who introduced me to Lost years ago and knows him better than I do) and asked her advice on the situation.
She agreed that I need to sit him down and explain the situation and tell him that it's not ok for him to stay. She advised that I make sure I tellit from my point of view and not make out that it's TSC that's upset, becuase he'll just take it that TSC has "turned me against him and ruined our friendship". That's fine by me, because I think I am more upset than TSC is. TSC is just mad. I am mad, hurt, offended and generally not feeling good vibes towards Lost. I just need to be sensitive. Yet unshakeable. Because he will try to manipulate me emotionally.
I think it helped to talk to my friend about it though and have her validate my feelings. Becuase my Catholic upbringing is throwing a world of guilt at me and I haven't even done the deed yet!
13 comments:
"You, me and Dupree's dodgy half brother!"
Woah! Hectic, I'm really really bad at confrontation so I can almost feel what you are going through. He really does sound like someone who's doing something unintentionally and hasn't really let go or moved on. If anything; I too would weaping my face off. So good luck to you hon
Shame Tamara, I am a huge chicken when it comes to confrontation, I usually avoid it and let people abuse me instead, but I can see it needs to be done in your case for sure! I know you will be nice about it, but it has to be said.
hugs. Tell him, only way out of this imho.
OMW hope he listens! Sounds like you're in for a terrible weekend if he decides to stick around
You have nothing to feel guilty about - there's only one rude person in this situation and that's Lost.
house guest from hell.
hope the talk goes well - and that, well, he goes.
I hope it all works out! Sometimes people really don't realise that they're upsetting people, althoug this guy definitely has boundary issues!
You can do it!
You're doing what's right for your family. There's absolutely no guilt connected to that. You're being strong and you rock.
tam, what the hell was he doing in Joburg anyway? didn't he have plans? couldn't he afford the plane ticket? i always wonder how leachers get through every day and don't feel a terrible sense of guilt at the end of the day that stops them from sleeping.
and i can totally appreciate the key story (from TSC's point of view) - do you know how difficult it is to keep track of such tiny things as keys?
Really makes me mad when people take advantage like that! Hope you get the taxi money back!! {hugs} let us know how it went okay.
Ches: Pretty much.
Paula: Thanks - that's the problem - he thinks we can pick up where we left off with no reference to the six years in between.
Po: Me too. I hate stuff like this.
Nik: Hey stranger! I miss being able to comment on your blog.
Jeanette: Ja, he's better at talking than listening.
Louisa: Thanks, my friend ;-)
Meriel: Nicely said.
Helen: Yup - no boundaries at all. And I have very well defined ones, hence the clash.
tattytiara: Thanks - it helps to hear!
SvD: I wish I knew. He went to a business meeting (wearing flip flops and the shorts and T-shirt he slept in), but other than that, he doesn't seem to have plans.
Gill: makes two of us!
Oy... thats just dreadful, T!
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