Friday, 30 October 2009

Lost - episode two

I had the chat with Lost yesterday. It was so hard - I hate confrontations like this! I took some herbal calming pills beforehand and said some prayers.

In between writing yesterday's post and the chat, he managed to frustrate me even further by calling TSC to ask him to fetch him from his business meeting and then not being there when TSC arrived and by telling he'd like to visit some church on Sunday morning (meaning that I would have to take him there).

When I got home, I sat him down and explained that while I don't want to hurt or offend him , I believe in honesty and that if I don't get stuff off my chest, I will end up resenting him , which will ruin the friendship or whatever is left of it. I asked him to give me my turn to speak before he replied.

I said that I find it strange that I don't hear from him for six years and then suddenly he thinks we're best friends and invites himself to stay for a week. I also said that while I had offered for him to stay the night, I hadn't expected that to include transporting him, feeding him, trying to fit him into our social engagements and the various other complications that had arisen.

I underlined that TSC is writing exams and how it's a stressful time for us and said that I actually feel a bit used and taken for granted - that I feel my time is not being respected.

I added that it's not fair on TSC to bring a strange man he's never met into his house for a week with no notice and that the way Lost interacts with me is sometimes inappropriate. The fact that we have both changed a lot since we were last in contact and that things are different now was also a point I tried to underline.

I think I was as sensitive as I could be, but still totally honest about my feelings.

He took it better than expected. He thanked me for being honest and said he wasn't hurt or offended. He did manage to get a few tears and digs in, about the fact that I had invited him in and now was moaning about it (to which I replied that I had invited him to spend the night and hadn't realised that would mean a week of transporting him, lending him money and stressing about how to shuffle my life around).

He offered to clear out immediately if I didn't "want him around" *sniff, sniff* (trying to manipulate me into feeling even worse). I said he was welcome to spend another night, but that I didn't think it would be appropriate for him to tag along to our social function as he had previously said he would (it was WineX - the annual wine tasting festival) because he's a recovering alcoholic. I don't want to be the one that helped him fall off the wagon and I told him that straight.

He said fine and that he'd be seeing a friend instead. Later, when we were all having an early supper, I said if his friend's place was on our way we could drop him off. Turned out the friend lives past Clearwater Mall, which is miles and miles in the opposite direction from the Sandton Convention Centre, where WineX is held. He said he'd take a taxi. I gave him my set of keys, with strict instructions to lock the doors when he left.

When we returned from WineX and coffee with friends afterwards, it was past midnight. As we arrived, I could see that every single light was on downstairs - the ones in the kitchen, dining room, lounge, loo, patio... even the ones we never use. The stair lights were also on and upstairs, his bedroom light and bathroom light were on.

The front door was open. The back door was open. The veranda door was open. His wallet and my keys were lying on the table outside. Very secure!

He was fast asleep upstairs, with a pillow over his head (I wonder if he's scared of the dark?) and obviously hadn't bothered to turn off lights or lock up. It was apparent that he hadn't been out (I now think it's becuase he didn't have taxi money).

This morning I made coffee for Lost and myself (TSC had left for varsity to write a test) and asked him about his plans for today, seeing we leave for my folks this afternoon and I had no intention of leaving him my keys again.

He told me that *sniff, sniff* he'd be moving across to the guest house where he'd be staying for the rest of the time. Refusing to let the guilt wear me down and make me offer for him to stay I simply said, "Ok. Where is it?" In Bryanston. Seeing it's near where I work, I offered to drop him off, which would mean that I wouldn't have to leave him alone without knowing if he'd lock up after himself.

I then told him that I need the money he borrowed back (it's not actually mine - it's from the church to use for an outreach event and was the only cash I had in the house at the time). He said fine, I should just stop at an ATM.

When we stopped, he withdrew money and climbed back into the car. "Here's R180," he said. "But you borrowed R400," I said. "R350 for the cab and R50 extra."

He said that he was expecting money to be deposited into his account today and that I should send him my bank details and he'd do a transfer. Not sure how he plans to pay for his stay at the guest house. I was too emotionally drianed to make a big fuss about thought and just left it at that.

I dropped him at the lodge. And instantly I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I hope I don't have to pay the money back out of my own pocket and that he actually does the cash transfer, but even if I do - at least I don't have a frustrated TSC and a strung-out me anymore!

Have a good weekend, all. It's my second blog birthday tomorrow (and Halloween), so cheers all around!


Being Brazen said...

Glad you talked it out and got stuff off your chest. He sounds like alot of work for a friend.

happy Friday!- happy halloween and 2nd blog birthday for tomorrow!


Don't Believe a word I write said...

Tamara, I know you have a history with this guy but there is no doubt now that he is bad news. Write off the cash he owes you and be happy you got him to leave your home. This is not a trustworthy man.

Anonymous said...

a VERY grown up way to deal with it. well done you.

sorry i missed you at winex. my head hurts today.

Anonymous said...

Don't hold your breath about getting the money back! I'll be shocked if you do. Just cut him out of your life, but it sounds like you won't hear from him again, hopefully :)

Slyde said...

wow. he sounds like a right prick, honestly.

you did the right thing by giving him the boot.

so, how are you going to treat ME when i come visit for a month?

Meriel said...

i really admire your graciousness. i suck at being gracious.

po said...

Hmm, I have those vibes that are created by conflict, poor you, it's not your fault he is using you!

You did the best thing.

Helen said...

Wow, you were really mature about all that! I'm glad it's all over! And happe (early) blog biethday!)

LiveStrong said...

Tamara, do you not worry that Lost will read your blog?

angel said...

Happy belated bloggiversary T!
I am glad Lost is out of your hair a last. You were very brave to actually sort it out.