Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Nothing rhymes with orange skin

Now that the warm weather is officially here, I have embarked on one of the less-enjoyable summer rituals... getting my legs skirt-ready. This involves frequent shaving, exfoliation, moisturising and toe-nail maintenance to ensure my lily white leggies are ready to bare in public (I find that shining them up nicely and enhancing their reflective capabilities also makes for an incredibly effective weapon... something like Scott/Cyclops' from X-Men's optic blasts, only better).



And so I come back to the annual and eternal conundrum... to self-tan or not to self-tan.



See, my skin doesn't understand the concept of tan. It's like trying to explain colour to a dog. There's just black and white. Or in my case, lobster sunburnt red or pristine white (I make milk look tanned). So for-real tanning is not an option. Unless I want skin cancer to be. Which I don't. Obviously.



And as for self-tanning... I'm just not sure about it. Sometimes I convince myself that the fact that it's a) expensive, b) smells odd (not bad, just... odd), c) often goes horribly wrong (see below) is enough reason to stay away from the idea.




Plus, I'm a carrot-top. Orange hair + orange skin = major fashion FAIL. And I figure that if I were meant to be tanned, God wouldn't have given me skin that can't tan.

BUT... on the other hand...

These blinding white limbs of mine are just not fashionable, you see. Yet every season without fail someone pityingly tries to convince me that "pale skin is in again". Not since the Renaissance, sista! I should have been born back then, I tell you. I'd have been deemed a goddess... short, curvy and deathly pale - the antithesis of modern beauty, but everything Michelangelo could've wanted in a wife. Or wait, wasn't he gay?

Anyhow... My husband tans deep bronze within five minutes of being in the sun and never burns. So my glow-in-the-dark skin is even more obvious when we walk next to each other. I could just make him walk on the other side of the street, but that self-tan is starting to look appealing.

Being the only glow worm on the beach among the squillions of tanned bikini-clad babes is not fun. Especially when I'm not particularly bikini-confident in the first place. Of course, being a streaky-legged unnaturally orange glow worm would also not be cool.

But you should see how my ivory skin photographs under a camera's flash. People could submit the pics as one of those weird and unexplained "ghosts just show up as glowing white blobs in photos" kinda things. Or vampires. It would explain why I'm not a morning person and don't like garlic.

Self-tan would also make buying make-up foundation easier. I could go for a colour that normal shops stock. Not one that you hardly ever find in store because the manufacturers generally only sell it to Asian drag queens and traditional mime artists.

Maybe I just haven't found the right product. I mean, I've only tried like six gazillion or so (slight exaggeration). Creams smell, sprays streak, mousses apparently dye your arm hair more than your skin and there's always the chance of orange palms unless you wear gloves. Perhaps filling a baby pool with bronze paint would be more effective?

Advice anyone?

13 comments:

Roby Rabbit said...

I def think it is time to make white the new brown! I just don't undrstand why white people want to be brown and brown people want to be white. Can we never just be happy with who we are???

Also the fact that tanning in the sun and putting on all these products, is bad for your skin.

Just be white, start a new trend!

Kris said...

that picture of the tan chick is redonk!

Being Brazen said...

Im vampire white...and i like it.

I think white is the new tan.

Im going to try rock my super white body this summer :)

po said...

I honestly think you should embrace the whiteness, it is easiest and looks most natural! But that is easy for me to say cos people are not so obsessive about whiteness over here.

Otherwise, what about those moisturisers with a slight self tan in them? For a subtle glow worm effect? I find they turn me slightly yellow but hey. Otherwise people here go for spray tans but I reckon that must cost a fortune.

Jeanette said...

I've given up as well, and now I just accept the fact that I'm the reflector on the beach

Hayley said...

I am with Jeanette, I am have also given up...and it kills me to spend all that money on self tan that doesnt work.

So like all the other girls...i say embrace the white...I am going to.

Damaria Senne said...

It's unanimous - go au naturelle. Personally I think pale looks good when it's not messed up with self-tan. But then I'm black and I never did understand the obsession with tanning.

boldly benny said...

I'm like your husband, I tan very easily and most people hate (trust me I have other skin dilemmas).

I don't sit in the sun as I like to look after my skin, but since I tan so easily I get colour from driving and other normal activities.

However, I have used the Nivea liquid spray tan - it was very subtle and did not streak and the odd smell (smells a bit like burnt sugar) was minimal. I have also done a professional spray tan - SunFX - and it gave a very natural glow. I do not streak but I guess that's coz I have a decent base coat so I can't really compare myself to you.

I agree, embrace what you are. I was ridiculed constantly about being so tanned for years and now I actually couldn't care - I am what I am! I have a friend who is incredibly fair, she has a skin condition which does not permit her from going in the sun and I have to say she looks gorgeous in everything she wears.

If you are really concerned about your legs get some fun and bright footless tights - they'll be so fun this summer under skirts :)

Slyde said...

i have no understanding of what you are talking about.. im sicilian and i tan when i walk past the microwave..

Paula said...

I was born with naturally tanned skin... so unfortunately I cannot help.

Although I had this one friend Tracy, who didn't tan but burned... who somehow got to figuring out that if you piled on sunblock and stayed in the sun for a few hours; topping up your sunblock every hour or three... it would help getting you more... brown.

Hope it helps :P

Wenchy said...

I think you are perfectly lovely!

sleepyjane said...

Yep. I know the feeling. I've made peace with it. ;)

But if it really is something that bothers you, Johnson & Johnson has that cream that gradually builds up a tan. I think Piz Buin also has a similar product.

But like everyone else says, you're lovely. :) I think your skin is fantastic.

angel said...

Like you, I have milk white skin that doesn't like the sun at all!
I avoid it at all costs, and I've never had a tan of any kind.