Saturday, 7 February 2009

Follow up post

Thanks for everyone's support and comments on yesterday's post. I actually considered taking it off my blog because it's quite emo and a little embarrassing. But I figured it's good for me to keep a record of the stuff that goes on in my head. For some reason it helps me to make sense of things.

Strangely, although I have no problem blogging when I'm angry or really excited, I struggle to blog when I'm depressed. It's only once I've got through the worst of it that I can share the stuff that's been going on.

In other words... I reckon I'm fine now. It's been a crap period, but I think I'm heading upwards again. My mother thinks I'm manic depressive, so if she's right, I'm due for a happy spree round about now ;-)

Depression unfortunately runs in my family, and although I've been off the meds for a few years, I'll probably always battle with it. I tell myself it's ok because my extreme emotions seem to mean that I am capable of feeling things very deeply. This can actually be a good thing (and a bad thing) because just as darkness will strike me hard, so too the small joys of life are highlighted and enjoyed to the fullest degree possible.

For those who have never experienced chemical or clinical depression, please understand that it's not something that you can just "snap out of". And taking a walk, listening to happy music or being with friends doesn't fix it. I wish for everyone's sake that it was that easy.

Unfortunately, most people tend to withdraw when depression hits. When you need family, friends and support most, you don't actually feel up to it. If there's someone in your life battling with this, please be patient. And please keep trying. It does matter. Even if the person can't show you that.

I know there's some of you who think I'm being a drama queen and that I don't know how easy my life is and how blessed I am. If that's what you think, ok. I have no beef with you.

But I do know that I am incredibly fortunate to be well-off with a husband, family and friends who are the best a person could ever wish for. And my life could be infinitely harder - I understand that. It's hard to explain how the feelings conflict within me. The best way I can put it is that the psycho twin doesn't get these things. The sane one does.

So basically, thanks for your love and support. I think blogging has been a breakthrough therapy tool for me - when I can't bring myself to talk about these things with TSC or my family, I write about it here, and getting it all outside of my head helps the sane twin to put things in perspective and take the reins again.


phillygirl said...

I so know what you mean ... about blogging rather than actually saying some things out loud to the people closest to you. Sometimes it's easier to tell random strangers things about yourself. And sometimes it's easier to know that the important people will read it too ... and "just know" without you having to tell them. I know I often find that much easier too. Ps. yesterday was a very brave post!

po said...

I think blogging about it is a good idea, and it helps other people to read about situations that they can relate to as well.

By being so open, you are helping people.

Manic depression or bipolar runs strong in my family. both my brother and sister have/had it. I am so scared that one day it will come knocking on my door, or that it will take away someone that I love.

Thank you for being so honest, I appreciate it!

Being Brazen said...

I agree...blogging has been a break through terapy for me too.

I suffer from depression some days. I have been told I could be a bit bi-polar...Whatever....I think we all have the power to change our brains. All we need is God and supportive people around us...and maybe a blog ;-)

Eternally Curious said...

Hi Tamara ... came over from Angel's blog to congratulate you on receiving her award. I must say I understand why now ... you have a wonderful way with words. Direct and understandable. You take really complex subjects like depression and eating disorders, and state them so simply, honestly and directly that all the complexity just disappears so that ... at long last ... we can all finally understand!

31337 said...

blogging is such therapy for me too, unfortunately for me when i am down i do not blog though doing it sort of eases the load on my mind. do keep at it.

Susan at MotherJungle said...

Letting it out has saved my soul and it seems you truly resonate with people, which brings it all up a notch.

The Jackson Files said...

You are awesome Tamara.

Tamara said...

Philly: I agree with you. Although none of my family, TSC or my best friends read my blog (to my knowledge), which probably makes me even braver here.

Po: Ditto. I enjoy reading other people's blogs and knowing that they understand what I feel. And I hope that people feel that about my blog.

Brazen: Amen.

Eternally Curious: Wow... thanks for your words. They mean very much to me.

31337: Will do. And you keep blogging too!

Susan: I love reading your blog because you "let it all out". I think your situation is tough at times and you inspire me through your writing.

Tamara said...

The Jackson Files: Thank you, R.

Slyde said...

i for one absolutely withdraw from the world when im depressed. its natural, and normal. dont let anyone ever tell you otherwise..

angel said...

i have been on meds for depression before, and i tend to overeat and withdraw when i'm down... i have been off meds for a while, and i can't take them if i fall preggers anyway- but having glugs has made a big difference for me.