Will return soon.
For now... I leave you with this funny from my inbox:
THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND
HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Bits and Pieces
For those of you Joburg girl bloggers who aren't on Phillygirl's mailing list, here's advanced notice that the Feb Bloggirls event will be at my place and will be a housewarming do for the usual suspects plus partners and kids. I'll sort out the details closer to the time. But don't forget that the Jan event is just around the corner so go sign up now!
A funny for you that rings true with me:
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
And one or two pics:
And that's all for today, folks. Have a good Thursday.
A funny for you that rings true with me:
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
And one or two pics:
A bowl of moth pupae for breakfast, anyone? Taken at the Africa Silks Farm in Mpumalanga. The tour was fascinating - I hadn't realised quite how labour-intensive silk farming is!
A view through the veil - taken from underneath the Bridal Falls near Sabie.
And that's all for today, folks. Have a good Thursday.
Friday, 21 November 2008
9 sleeps till D-day!
Yup, only nine more nights in our flat and then it's off to the new house!
TSC and I got seriously stuck into the packing last night and our flat now looks like we are moving, with boxes strewn across the floor and cupboards standing open and empty. Gone are the photos from the walls. They are wrapped in newspaper and packed along with the good wine glasses, my numerous (but somehow still all the wrong shape and size to be useful) vases and most of the contents of the booze cabinet.
The cats are loving the myriad new hiding places we've created for them, and we're getting some serious exercise trying to make it through the living room obstacle-course in one piece. The only room that remains largely untouched is our bathroom, mainly because I'm putting off having to sort out all the crap in the cupboard, which includes oodles of expired meds, half-used cans of deodorant (ones that TSC has bought and then decided he hates the smell of), hotel toiletries that we compulsively hoard for no good reason and a few cat-shredded rolls of loo paper. Fun.
It's funny... I have moved many, many times (I think at last count it was 22 or 23), and every time I forget how much of a pain the last time was. At least this time we're moving into our own house. I have warned TSC that, God-willing, we will be staying put for at least five years as I have no intention of going through this again anytime soon.
TSC and I got seriously stuck into the packing last night and our flat now looks like we are moving, with boxes strewn across the floor and cupboards standing open and empty. Gone are the photos from the walls. They are wrapped in newspaper and packed along with the good wine glasses, my numerous (but somehow still all the wrong shape and size to be useful) vases and most of the contents of the booze cabinet.
The cats are loving the myriad new hiding places we've created for them, and we're getting some serious exercise trying to make it through the living room obstacle-course in one piece. The only room that remains largely untouched is our bathroom, mainly because I'm putting off having to sort out all the crap in the cupboard, which includes oodles of expired meds, half-used cans of deodorant (ones that TSC has bought and then decided he hates the smell of), hotel toiletries that we compulsively hoard for no good reason and a few cat-shredded rolls of loo paper. Fun.
It's funny... I have moved many, many times (I think at last count it was 22 or 23), and every time I forget how much of a pain the last time was. At least this time we're moving into our own house. I have warned TSC that, God-willing, we will be staying put for at least five years as I have no intention of going through this again anytime soon.
Anyway... here's a Friday funny for you. Have a great weekend.
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Tata Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.
PS: For those who picked up that the Christmas open house where I'm selling my jewellery is on the same day as Bloggirls, please note that they are at different times. So, unlike the case of my birthday picnic, the events will not clash.
I am learning ;-)
Friday, 10 October 2008
Friday funny
So it's Friday. Yay! I get to see my bestest friend in the whole world today. She and her husband are up from Cape Town for work, so we'll meet them for drinks and a chat before they fly back tonight. Then we've got church conference for most of the weekend, and I'm hoping to squeeze in a visit to Taste of Joburg (gourmet festival) sometime too, probably tomorrow sometime.
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Here's the Friday funny:
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, andwrite 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the childsupport payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Here's the Friday funny:
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, andwrite 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the childsupport payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Sorry for my absence over the past 2 days. I've been running around organising two big events, which are now (thankfully) over. I thought it would be downhill from here, but apparently not, as I have two freelnace rush jobs that I need to squeeze in that both require reserach and interviewing and need to be started and completed within the next four days. Eep!
So I leave you with a funny and a promise to post properly again soon.
"I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following items:
A litre of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce
A 1 kilo can of coffee
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Moral of the story... Never question a drunk."
So I leave you with a funny and a promise to post properly again soon.
"I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following items:
A litre of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce
A 1 kilo can of coffee
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Moral of the story... Never question a drunk."
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Joke
i'm completely out of steam today (it's been a rough week), so you'll have to do with a joke, which may or may not be preferable to a proper post:
An old Italo-American man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,Vinnie
An old Italo-American man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,Vinnie
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Joke for you
A demure young lady getting ready to board a flight from Ireland asks the priest standing beside her in the queue: "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?" he says kindly.
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" she asks.
"I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie," he says firmly.
"With your honest face, Father, no-one will question you," she replies.
When they get to customs, she stands aside and lets the priest go ahead of her. The official asks: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," says the priest.
The official finds this answer rather strange, so he asks: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official says: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?" he says kindly.
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" she asks.
"I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie," he says firmly.
"With your honest face, Father, no-one will question you," she replies.
When they get to customs, she stands aside and lets the priest go ahead of her. The official asks: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," says the priest.
The official finds this answer rather strange, so he asks: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official says: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Saturday, 12 July 2008
A Saturday post
Wow... This is my first ever post from my laptop, and may be the first on a Saturday too. I'm at my folks' place, hooked up to their Internet (Schweeeet!) so that I can download Adobe Reader, so I figured I'd write up a quick post, especially seeing I have not been very good at the post-everyday thing for the past while.
Ruby commented on my last post that every profession 'has its thing'. By this, I guess that she means that there are jokes asbout every job. For example...
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
AND
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"
What's your profession and what's your best work-joke?
Ruby commented on my last post that every profession 'has its thing'. By this, I guess that she means that there are jokes asbout every job. For example...
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
AND
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"
What's your profession and what's your best work-joke?
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
Funny for you
Parks Board warden finds an Indian man at the Blue Lagoon with ten shadfish in a bucket."That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."
"But lahnee, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. Ijust bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."
"I don't believe it." says the warden.
"OK... I will show you." The man promptly dumps the shad into the sea and gazes after them as They swim away.
After a minute, the warden says, "OK, so how long?"
"How long what?" says the man.
"How long till you call the fish back?"
"What fish?"
"But lahnee, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. Ijust bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."
"I don't believe it." says the warden.
"OK... I will show you." The man promptly dumps the shad into the sea and gazes after them as They swim away.
After a minute, the warden says, "OK, so how long?"
"How long what?" says the man.
"How long till you call the fish back?"
"What fish?"
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Joke's on the fence (another inbox funny)
This is too funny!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As he leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As he leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
Monday, 19 May 2008
More funnies from my inbox
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule?)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule?)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Clever words
Someone emailed me this. Now whether you're a Zuma fan or not, yuo have to admit that this is clever:
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Jacob was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you know a Politician called Jacob?
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Jacob was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you know a Politician called Jacob?
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Batty BAT
We hear a lot of weird and wonderful things in our office and deal with a variety of people (mainly morons or all shapes and sizes), but yesterday's overheard conversation between my colleague and the receptionist at British American Tobacco (BAT) takes the cake...
This is what I heard:
L: 'Hi, my name is L____ and I'd just like to know whether your offices are in Cape Town or Johannesburg.
*pause*
What? Yes, I'm over 18.
*pause*
No, I don't smoke.
*pause*
No, I just want to know whether your offices are in Cape Town or Jo'burg.
*pause*
Ok, let me explain: I'm a journalist from ______ and I've been commissioned to write a profile on BAT for the book ______, but I am based in Jo'burg, so if your offices are in Cape Town I will need to pass it on to another journalist. So, as I said, *adopts I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old tone* all I need to know is: are your offices in Cape Town or in Johannesburg?
*pause; laughs hysterically.*
Ok, ok, FINE!
*Slams down the phone and bangs head repeatedly on the desk* (To me:) She's not allowed to communicate with me at all, because I'm not a smoker!
How's that for strange? I figure she should've bought a pack, smoked one and called back, saying, "All that has changed now... So can you communicate with me?"
My job is a joke. Once again, free therapy for all journos!
This is what I heard:
L: 'Hi, my name is L____ and I'd just like to know whether your offices are in Cape Town or Johannesburg.
*pause*
What? Yes, I'm over 18.
*pause*
No, I don't smoke.
*pause*
No, I just want to know whether your offices are in Cape Town or Jo'burg.
*pause*
Ok, let me explain: I'm a journalist from ______ and I've been commissioned to write a profile on BAT for the book ______, but I am based in Jo'burg, so if your offices are in Cape Town I will need to pass it on to another journalist. So, as I said, *adopts I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old tone* all I need to know is: are your offices in Cape Town or in Johannesburg?
*pause; laughs hysterically.*
Ok, ok, FINE!
*Slams down the phone and bangs head repeatedly on the desk* (To me:) She's not allowed to communicate with me at all, because I'm not a smoker!
How's that for strange? I figure she should've bought a pack, smoked one and called back, saying, "All that has changed now... So can you communicate with me?"
My job is a joke. Once again, free therapy for all journos!
Friday, 9 May 2008
Funnies from my inbox...
I know most of you have probably seen these, but I just LOVE LOLcats. If you don't know what that is, click here.
And below, two memes in one - LOLcat and FAIL. Shame, poor kitty.
How cute is his mustache?
Mwahahaha... die, evil rat dog.
My desktop for many months.
My wish for the day.
Have a happy Friday, people.
And below, two memes in one - LOLcat and FAIL. Shame, poor kitty.
How cute is his mustache?
Mwahahaha... die, evil rat dog.
My desktop for many months.
My wish for the day.
Have a happy Friday, people.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Conversation with a Little Girl
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?'
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Mxit
We have this cellphone chat application phenomenon called Mxit that has proved hugely popular among SA teengagers. Unfortunately, like the Internet, some people use in in not-so-nice ways. Teenage girls started taking porn-style photos of themselves and sending them around, and then some psycho abducted one, so parents around the country freaked out and Mxit got a bad rap. Then I got this, entitled, ANOTHER MXIT VICTIM!
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