Friday funny

Things you can be certain of: death, taxes and nagging



It's the weeeekend, baby!

Thanks goodness. I don't think I could take another day of this week. But this weekend will be filled with good things. We're having friends for supper tonight, tomorrow we're heading to Kitty Haven for volunteer training and then we're going to see my folks so that I can make sure with my own eyes that my mother really is ok. In between I'm hoping to sleep, read and write. And hopefully that works out better than last weekend.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Weekend!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

I feel as though this week has dragged its heels like a stubborn five-year old on his way to a bath. But at last, the end has come.

Well, nearly. I still have a big client meeting this afternoon and loads of that intimidating freelance work to do before I can kick back and enjoy a curry with some of our neighbours tonight, but I can feel the relief already.

Although, I am still nervous about the meeting this afternoon. Firstly, I hate Friday afternoon meetings, because the thought of weekend plans makes concentration difficult. "Yes, I totally agree with your decision to relook your website curry... I mean copy. Sorry."

Secondly, this client is awesome, but incredibly intelligent (like genius level) and I feel like he talks over my head 90% of the time. And he talks super fast and in techie jargon, making the keeping up even more of a challenge. I'm always a couple of TLAs (three-letter acronyms) behind him.

Thirdly, he's not actually my client - I was brought in on this job by a colleague to do certain bits of it - so I need to not screw up, or I'll reflect badly on the person who recommended me.

Eeep!

I sometimes get terrified when I realise that this little business TSC and I started rests squarely in my hands at the moment (until his studies finish, at least. And probably beyond). It's my job to make it a success, and it's my responsibility if it all goes balls up.

But right now I'm going to try to forget that, make myself a cuppa and grab a rusk while I daydream of curry and my warm bed.

Have a fabulous Friday, people. I leave you with a funny from my inbox:

We are about to enter the braai (BBQ) season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the braai the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

BBQ RULES
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.


(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.


More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Things I take for granted

Having Vusi stay with us for a few days has really highlighted how much I take for granted. His wonder at and enjoyment of things I see as completely normal, like having a microwave or a TV or being able to drive to work instead of walking, makes me take stock of how truly blessed I am and be grateful for what I have.

Going to movies, eating at a restaurant or being able to bath every night are suddenly awesome privileges I enjoy instead of routine parts of life. Having my own computer and a job that covers the bills (even if it's not my first choice in what I'd like to do) are bonuses that millions of people don't ever get to have.

Vusi's gratitude at the smallest things - a jacket and old cellphone that TSC no longer uses and a shirt I bought for a friend that didn't fit - stirs me to want to help those who have less than I do. TSC is helping him to draw up a well-formatted CV to try to get him more work, and such a small thing that takes up maybe an hour of our time may perhaps help this young guy to climb up another step in the food chain.

It's that whole starfish story again - the moral is help those you can... it may change a life more than you can imagine. In South Africa, where there's a beggar on every street corner, it's good to remember that. I don't believe giving R5 to every guy who asks me for money is the answer (I'd be broke in two days), but I do think that instead of letting the problem of poverty overwhelm me, I should do what I can do to help.

Small things like donating my old clothes, buying baby food for a struggling mom or teaching someone basic computer skills CAN make a difference. My mom is on the committee of a children's home and I'm sure there are ways I can pitch in there. Hmmm... ideas...

Vusi may be heading home tomorrow morning, but he's definitely leaving us with lots to think about.

And I leave you with this to think about...

It's FRIDAY!

TSC's eye is doing much better. Thank goodness. Although Damaria reckons being married to Darth Vador would be fun, I'd be scared he'd turned around one day, breathing all heavy-like and say "I AM YOUR FATHER" or some such crap ;-)

I managed to get all my freelance deadline-is-today work done yesterday and invoice, as well as putting together a kick-ass birthday gift for my mother in law, so I am in a fairly good mood, despite the fact that I am bored out of my mind at work.

Boss has been in Cape Town and then had meetings this morning, so I am waiting for her to get back to clarify various importnant things before I can get on with anything.

We are going to the lovely Ruby's birthday supper tonight, which should be fun, and then watching rugby with friends tomorrow. What are you up to this weekend?

I want to watch movies, read magazines, paint walls, play in my garden and generally enjoy being in my house. Oh, and try out a new biscuit recipe. This Sunday at church, the last week of our Sex in the City series, we are having ladies-only and men-only services which should be interesting.

On that note, I leave you with a Friday funny:

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies...
Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!

TGIF

Last night's dinner was much better (in case you care) ;-) I am actually a pretty decent cook, if I do say so myself, which is why meal failures freak me out to the max - they don't usually happen to me. I fail in many other areas instead!



Work is still a bit weird. Boss is here but is still acting like DK will be around forever. We seriously need to organise client handovers - DK leaves in a week's time!



My client is also driving me mental. I am working hard on their account and trying to be proactive about it, but it's like banging my head against a wall. I've suggested loads of stories, sent through profile questions for the Exco, written countless press releases that just don't get approved and sent back to me (one has been waiting 2 months for them to sit down and read it) and generally tried to do something I hate (account managing) reasonably well.



We're due for a status meeting with client on Monday morning at 9am, and I have a feeling I'm going to get told off for not getting them any coverage. Which I haven't done, but not for lack of trying. It's just really difficult to convince media to place clients when you have next to no information about what they do, who they do it for and why it's worth talking about.



Some days I'm tempted to make it all up and concoct a fabulous story that will definitely draw attention. But obviously I can't do that.



So glad it's Friday! I'll probably work a lot of this weekend, but it will be nice to be out of the office and away from the madness. TSC has the deadly Man Cold, so probably won't get up to much.



It's Earth Hour next week Saturday at 8.30 pm, so if you haven't signed up to spend an hour in the dark, click the widget at the top right of this page and do so at once! Please?



Have a fabulous weekend, all. I leave you with this (gotta love C&H):

Stupid is as stupid does

I posted an ad on an online "jobs wanted" notice board quite awhile ago, detailing my freelance services and contact details. I mentioned that I was looking for freelance work in Gauteng.


Today I received the following email (with no greeting, no formatting...):


i have been informed of the advertised post for a freelance writer and inotice that my knowledge and experience are adequate for the jobadvertised, therefore i wish to be considered.
i have gained valuable experience having worked as a journalist for***** communications (currently known as *****) and would cherish theopportunity to work for your organisation. i'm a person who enjoys newchallenges, as i'm addicted to learning and i strongly feel that i willadd quality to your organisation.
please see attachment for details of my cv


Firstly... I'm sorry... What part of LOOKING for work not OFFERING it do you not not get?


Secondly, if you don't know how to address and sign-off an email or use punctuation and you clearly have no idea where the spacebar is on your keyboard, do you seriously think you're cut out to be a freelance writer?


Tsssk.


They are out there. They live and walk among us. And they breed.

In other news, I gave myself 45 minutes yesterday - got home and made a cup of hot chocoloate, which I enjoyed curled up in a blanket on my bed, magazine in hand, before dozing off for about 20 minutes. It was sheer bliss. I actually had the energy to get up, make supper, mend a pair of pants I've been meaning to fix for months, exercise and do the washing and the rest of the chores, all before TSC arrived home. Yay for power naps!

Have a fab friday and and awesome weekend. See some of you at Bloggirls ;-)

I leave you with a Friday funny:

HOW TO BE A PERFECT B!TCH
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

The aggro is back

My blog has been all chipper and dandy lately, so I thought it might be time to return to a little cynicism and snottiness for today. Especially seeing I am in need of a vent. As such, here's my list of things that pissed me off this week:

1. UJ. University of Johannesburg has been my single greatest stress-causer over the past few months. And I'm not even a student there! See, TSC applied to study there, starting this year, and has has endless problems from them ever since. From telling him he was accepted then denied then accepted to moving the date of the entrance exam without telling anyone, they have excelled at sucking. He eventually found out two days ago that he is indeed accepted. Which gave him a whole week's notice before he needs to start the academic term. The award for inefficiency is undoubtably theirs. Well done, useless UJ.


2. My to-do list. It is pages long and as soon as I do one thing, five more get added to it. Usually not-nice things either.


3. Clients who think my world revolves around them. No explanation needed.


4. Gauteng BMW drivers and taxis. They piss me off every week. Unfortunately I don't usually handle it as well as Louisa.


5. Lurkers! All you folks who stop by and don't comment, I ask: why not? Am I not worth your comment-love? Please, please, please... delurk now!


6. Blogger. Yes, even beloved blog host has annoyed me this week. It wouldn't let me access any blogs yesterday. Just RSS feeds. Which meant no commenting for me. Tlak about depriving me of joy!

Right, now that I have that out of my system, I can have a chipper and dandy Friday. Wishing you one too. I leave you with this...

What goes through your mind when someone says "let's go for drinks"?

Time is like that arcade dance game...

...You know that one where you have to step on the little lights when they light up? They start out slow and then they speed up until there's no way you could stamp on all of them even if you had an extra pair of feet.

It feels like time is like that. When you're a kid, the school holidays feel like they go on forever and ever and eventually you just want to go back so that you can stop being bored. And when you're at varsity, you think you're really busy with exams, lectures, assignments, sports and other activities. And then when you start working a full day, it feels like there's never time to do the things you used to do and like you are the busiest person on earth. And if you move in with someone, you have to take their time into account too. And then if you have kids, you have someone else that you are responsible for 24 hours of the day, seven days a week, and busyness becomes the understatement of the century.

I wonder if the game slows down again as you get older? Because it feels like everyone I talk to just gets busier and busier every year. Or is it just me?

Anyway... enough with the "deep" stuff. Here's a Friday funny for you. Looking forward to seeing those of you who are attending Bloggirls tomorrow. Have a great weekend, all.

Song lyrics gone wrong

You know that Alanis Morissette song You've Already Won Me Over? The lyrics go," You've already won me over in spite of me, so don't be alarmed if I fall head over heels..."

Well, my brother used to sing along at the top of his lungs with the lyrics, "You've already RUN me over in spite of me, I was alarmed and I fell head over heels..." he was convinced that those where the right words.

And TSC has a habit of making up his own lyrics as he sings along, seeing he can never remember the real ones. And then there was the time my mother made me turn off the radio when Counting Crow's where singing Big Yellow Taxi. They sang, "They paved paradise and put up a parking lot," and my mother thought they were saying," they paved paradise and put up a f***ing lot." What she thought that was, I have no idea.

She also took great offence at the song "Pumping on your Stereo" by Supergrass, which she thought was "humping on your stereo".

But none of those quite match up to the collection of misheard lyrics at www.kissthisguy.com, which include:

• "Let's pee in the corner. Let's pee on the spotlight," instead of "That's me in the corner, That's me in the spotlight" from R.E.M.'s Losing My Religion
• "My anus is the centre hole," instead of, "My angel is a centerfold" from Centrefold by the J Geils Band
• "The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeee," instead of, "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" from Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody
• "Might as well face it; you're a d*ck with a glove," instead of "Might as well face it; you're addicted to love," from Addicted to Love by Robert Palmer. The person says she thought it was a funny song about Michael Jackson
• "We built this city on the wrong damn road," instead of , "We built this city on rock and roll," from We Built this City by Starship

Got any misheard lyrics you'd like to share?

Two more sleeps!

And then I'm in our new house.

I've got butterflies just thinking about it. The next time I blog, it will be as the proud homeowner of my beautiful (but probably still bare) house!

Here's a Friday funny or two for you:

9 sleeps till D-day!

Yup, only nine more nights in our flat and then it's off to the new house!

TSC and I got seriously stuck into the packing last night and our flat now looks like we are moving, with boxes strewn across the floor and cupboards standing open and empty. Gone are the photos from the walls. They are wrapped in newspaper and packed along with the good wine glasses, my numerous (but somehow still all the wrong shape and size to be useful) vases and most of the contents of the booze cabinet.

The cats are loving the myriad new hiding places we've created for them, and we're getting some serious exercise trying to make it through the living room obstacle-course in one piece. The only room that remains largely untouched is our bathroom, mainly because I'm putting off having to sort out all the crap in the cupboard, which includes oodles of expired meds, half-used cans of deodorant (ones that TSC has bought and then decided he hates the smell of), hotel toiletries that we compulsively hoard for no good reason and a few cat-shredded rolls of loo paper. Fun.



It's funny... I have moved many, many times (I think at last count it was 22 or 23), and every time I forget how much of a pain the last time was. At least this time we're moving into our own house. I have warned TSC that, God-willing, we will be staying put for at least five years as I have no intention of going through this again anytime soon.

Anyway... here's a Friday funny for you. Have a great weekend.

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Tata Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

PS: For those who picked up that the Christmas open house where I'm selling my jewellery is on the same day as Bloggirls, please note that they are at different times. So, unlike the case of my birthday picnic, the events will not clash.

I am learning ;-)